The perfect team

Partners and Pregnancy.

Being the non gestational parent to be is a funny time. It’s not like for the person who is pregnant who feels everything happening in their body and gets to know your baby through feeling movement from the inside, always knowing that another person is within them.

You see the positive pregnancy test, the ultrasound picture, hear the heartbeat and feel the movement through your partner’s skin. You start to get excited at the idea of what the future brings the fun you will have playing with your baby, the thought you will probably have sleepless nights, go to school concerts and see this baby grow up to be an exciting new person. But for you it’s just an idea a time of anticipation nothing is physically happening to you. Through the pregnancy there’s stil things you can do, be supportive, rub your partner’s tired feet, provide the cups of tea and most importantly learn to become the team you will need to be through the birth and as parents.

You might feel worried when you remember this baby has to be born. You’ve probably never seen a baby born before but you’ve almost certainly watched enough TV and heard enough stories to know there will be lots of screaming lots of blood and lots of important people who will take charge and deliver your baby. You expect that you will feel scared, what if you lose the most important two people in your life, how will it feel to be with your partner as they go through the pain and there’s nothing you can do to help. You might feel frustrated as you go to medical appointments and people pretty much ignore you, they talk to your partner they talk about the baby and what’s best for them but they forget you have questions and concerns too and that something amazing and scary is happening to you as well.

How can you help yourself and your partner? 

What can you do to help yourself and your partner, how can you stop feeling the whole thing is overwhelming and how can you be the best birth partner you want to be? One way is to get another member onto your team, recruit someone who will see you as a family and have no other interest than what you all want. Birth doesn’t have to be scary and out of control and you don’t have to feel useless and left on the sidelines. You can provide your partner with something that

• Shortens first-time labour by an average of 2 hours
• Decreases the chance of caesarean section by 50%
• Decreases the need for pain medication
• Increases success in lactation

and provide yourself with someone who will help you to be useful to your partner and even be able to enjoy the process of labour and birth not just meeting your baby at the end.

What difference does a doula make for a partner?

With a doula by your side, you will have more confidence in how to speak to your partnerduring labour, how and when to provide physical support and ways you can decrease the pain and increase everyone’s confidence and happiness. With a doula you will have confidence when speaking up for yourself, your partner and your baby and asking the questions you want answers to. If things don’t go according to your partner’s ideal plan with a doula you will feel confident helping your partner make decisions that need to be made and you will have a completely unbiased source of information by your side.

Questions you might have about a doula if your partner suggests one:

Will a doula take over from me and make me miss out on being the birth partner?

Absolutely not. Your doula is your doula not just your partner’s doula she respects that you are the person who best knows your partner the one who most makes your partner feel safe and loved. She will respect and encourage your relationship and how it works best. You get to say what you want your doula to do between you as you get to know her over the antenatal sessions and she respects your opinion and choice of how to be and what to do during labour. If you feel you need a breather or a rest with a doula there you won’t need to feel bad about taking care of yourself so you can be at your best to support your partner and knowing doesn’t mean leaving them alone.

We have a midwife and a doctor do we really need another person involved?

Your midwife and doctor are there to provide the medical support and expert knowledge and advice. Your doula has a very different role as she is solely focused on your emotional and practical needs. Your midwife and doctor are employed by the hospital and have a responsibility to the hospital protocol and procedure which may or may not suit your personal choices. Your doula is only guided by your choices. On the day of the birth there is no guarantee that you will have a midwife or doctor that you have seen before, it will depend on who is on duty that day. Your doula may be the only person you are sure will be there on the day to provide a feeling of comfort as a familiar person in an unfamiliar setting.

Is a doula worth the money we are spending?

Obviously, as a doula, I believe the answer to this is yes. But I guess the answer is can you put a price on the amazing reduction in stress fear and pain that a doula brings to one of the most important days of your family’s life? As doulas we are often guilty of selling ourselves short but the amount of time we work for our clients including all the antenatal support we provide plus being at the birth no matter how long it is and the restrictions to our lives that being on call for four weeks causes, when broken down, works out to be a complete bargain.

If you think about how much we are willing to spend on a wedding because it’s an important day of our lives the amount of money a doula costs seems very small and many doulas are happy to work with payment plans and skills swaps. In the case of families who really can’t afford anything, there is the option of the access fund provided by doula UK https://doula.org.uk/access-fund and in some circumstances Doulas Without Boarders or Birth Companions may be able to help.