That little voice in my head – talking to myself.

This blog is an updated version of a previous blog. I logged on to finish writing a new post but that one is going to have to stay in the drafts for today because today this was the blog post I needed to read.

The original blog post started with the quote below. This therapist finally set me on a path to liking and caring for myself and made me one of those people who recommend therapy to everyone. But I also recommend that you find a therapist who is right for you. If you’ve tried therapy before and not liked it or not found it helpful it’s very likely you didn’t have the right therapy match whether that was the person or the therapy style. If you’re struggling with your mental health it’s really worthwhile keeping an open mind and not assuming therapy isn’t for you or that you failed at it. Being prepared to say that’s not the one for me thank you is safe to do. But don’t give up, even though it might feel daunting to start looking for another person or type of therapy it’s worth the struggle I promise.

You know when people start therapy and then it seems like every other sentence they come out with is ‘my therapist says…’ Well I may have turned into that person, just a little bit. But I’m not sorry, my therapist is pretty wise. Changing the way I’m thinking and some of the small things I do has made me really feel and cope better.

-Me a few years ago

Self-care -The Little Things We Do to Make Our Lives More Calm and Content. Self-Compassion -The Way We Think About Ourselves as We Do Those Things.

If you’ve heard you need self-care once you’ve probably heard it a million times. If we’re going to be contented parents who have the energy to find the fun in parenting we need to find the ways of caring for ourselves that work for us.

For many years I felt this encouragement to “do” self-care like it was another job that I had to get done if I wanted to be a good enough person or parent. That was rooted in a misunderstanding that is often perpetuated that self-care is specific activities you undertake. In fact, self-care can very often be choosing to not do certain activities. It’s about learning to pick your battles and allow yourself calm as part of your life. We’re told we must “fill our own cups” as “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. This frames self-care as something we do in order to make ourselves more productive and useful. But to really feel rested and calm we need to learn to value rest for itself. We need to allow ourselves to rest because we are inherently worthy of calm regardless of whether we achieve or produce anything.

So on to that little voice in my head (and maybe in your head too?), that tells me all the better things I should be doing instead when I’m doing something fun or calming for myself. That little voice that says I haven’t really earned this rest because there’s still cleaning, washing, sorting etc that’s waiting to be done. That little voice that tries to tell me only lazy people rest. One of the things I have to re-learn over and over is that all the self-care in the world is not much use if you can’t learn to have self-compassion. If you’ve not heard of self-compassion this is a really comprehensive explanation http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

To make a long story short, learning self-compassion means learning to recognise that the little voice in the back of your head is not being a good friend to you. Do not add to the problem by feeling bad about yourself for being mean to yourself but rather recognise and name the thoughts and then start to build a self-compassionate narrative to talk back and take back the conversation in your head.

For example, you take some time to do some artwork while your baby takes a nap. The small critic at the back of your head says “You really should be doing that pile of washing up. You’re so lazy.” You can challenge that thought. Replace it with how a really kind friend would speak to you. “I know you’ve worked really hard this morning after a broken night’s sleep, you’re so much more calm now that’s so good. I’m really proud of you for taking the time to relax and recharge. I bet your little one will enjoy watching you play with the bubbles as you do the washing up this afternoon.”

My inner critic even made a list for me of all the other things I didn’t achieve while I wrote this blog post and told me I wasted this time because no one needs to hear me “going on” again. Lucky for me I not only have my own self-compassionate narrative now but also friends who regularly say lovely things to me so I can easily imagine a reply from people who listen and usually agree when I start “going on” about stuff.

If you struggled to think of how a kind friend would talk to you during the example of self-compassion you might need some new friends. It’s scary trying to make friends as an adult but one way that can sometimes be a little less scary is to start with making connections through social media. For example, find a Facebook parents group that’s your vibe or find parents on Instagram who tell the whole story not just the shiny best bits and join the conversation on their posts. Another idea is to come and join us at an Informed Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond Meet-Up any time we will always be happy to support and validate you and your feelings.